My 100th post
Thursday 3 July 2008
Now that I've reached my first 100th, it would also be my last. This 100th post would be my VERY LAST ENTRY.I started bloggin in Mar 2007, more than a year ago. My blog name is TALKING TO MYSELF cuz my blog was intended for myself and myself only. It gets very tough to voice out what I really feel if there are others who see it. I've gotta make it sound general or leave the name as anonymous. Yes, I know it contradicts the primary purpose of blogs since they are electronic diaries meant to be shared publicly. Still, I nv tot that there would be others reading my blog since I'm not a popular person.For these past few months, I've had occasional "downs", but mostly "ups". For the "downs", emotions towards them have faded away, but they will nevertheless remain forever, impossible to be forgotten. Still, I'm thankful that, in general, I am living as a happy person who has an inspiring family that I am proud of, great friends and who doesn't have to worry about financial burdens. But it's really ironic that my wonderful life has made me somewhat complacent and less driven. I know that this almost perfect life is transient. This bubble I'm living in will burst, sooner or later. How much longer can I hold on to this near-perfect life of mine?This 100th post would signify the end to dreamer2dream and a new beginning to another blog.
--Talking to myself--
17:13
Personal Records
Monday 19 May 2008
I amaze myself once again, w a few new personal records: sleep.I went w/o sleep for 33.5 hours! It all began w m sleeping at 4am and waking up the next day at 5pm. When I opened my eyes, the sun had already set and the sky was turning dark. I was wide awake thru then night, right up to the next day. I saw the sky brightening and the increasing buzz of vehicle engines. At 7am, I gave up. I left to get breakfast at Gloria Jeans. By 8.30am, I was in the sch lib doing my macro hw. By 2am, my relatives had all gone to bed, but for some reason, I felt down. Just didn't feel like sleeping. I phoned my mum and after chatting w her for an hr, I felt better. So at 3am, I went to sleep. Slept for 9 hrs that night.Next day, I slept for 15hours! Guess I was still tired from the lack of sleep. By 9pm on sat night, I dozed off and woke up only at 12pm the next day. Hmm.. Would I be able to fall asleep tonight?? I hope so... I certainly don't want to go thru all that haywire sleeping cycle again. Past wk, I would sleep at 7am and wake up at 2pm cuz I had an assignment to hand in. Switched on my air freshener, played soothing music and with just the study lamp on, the tranquility or the night made it so conducive for the mind to generate thoughts.
--Talking to myself--
02:11
what am i doing?
Friday 2 May 2008
These few days I've been reflecting on how I've not been as focused and diligent in schwork. My macro assignment and test results are dissatisfactory, considering the fact that I've already done all these in JC. For the assignment, I was complacent and just assumed that my macro tutor wanted the same kind of stuff as my micro tutor, which gave me full marks last sem. For the test, although I started late, I think I wouldn't have gotten more marks from more studying. Had to get them wrong to learn. Well, not that sad for the test. But I need to improve how my mind works under time and exam constraint. So weird how the mind functions when u're under pressure. Things that I couldn't see during the test when they suddenly became so clear after leaving the test room... Still, even my friend could see the loss in motivation in me. Well, it's going to be different from today onwards. I'm going to be more focused. Less playing. And with the help of some psychological burdens on my shoulder, my mood doesn't get to light, keeping me in the down mood, which just makes me wanna not play anymore.
Supposed to move in w my friend next sem. We were on a appartment hunt and we actually found one v suitable one. But becuz we've decided to go for an exchange prog which would commence in 2009 Feb sem, moving into a new place and buying all the furniture and just staying there for 6 months made no sense. She offerred me the room next to hers, whose tenant would be vacating end of this sem. But the partition is so disgustingly thin. Even when the person in other room whispers, the one in the other room can hear. And I value my privacy alot. So now I gotta break the news to her that i won't want to shift in w her in her current unit, after getting her hopes up high. If it's other appartments, it wouldn't be a prob cuz the walls wouldn't be so thin. Still, I gotta tell her soon, cuz she'll need time to find a new place or stay on. I hope she doesn't misunderstand me and thought that I deceived her or something.
My friend's grandfather passed away ytd. She has flown back to attend the wake and will be back after a week. She went to apply for deadline extension for the assignment due this coming mon this mornin w our other friend. We're in a click and yet I chose my sleep over accompanying her to get her extension. I went back to sleep after my alarm sounded. Woke up later supposedly to see her off at her place, yet I was tempted by sleep and the downpour outside just gave me that excuse to not be there. How selfish can I be? Damn. Since young, sleep just has a gripping power over me. Why can't I be supportive towards her? She has been so helpful to me since I've been here, especially in schwork. Who do I run to when I'm stuck in my assignments? Her! Just destroyed my day. Now I can label myself as selfish and undeserving of her.
I'm so scared that they'll have a bad impression of me and not want to take our friendship to the next level. And I dislike myself for complainin and yet not have the willpower to correct my blemishes. AND I HATE IT EVEN MORE WHEN I KNOW SOMEONE IMPT TO ME THINKS THAT I ONLY KNOW HOW TO WALLOW IN SELF-HATE AND SELF-PITY.
--Talking to myself--
15:04
Am i that pathetic and disappointing?
Wednesday 16 April 2008
The wound that I keep closed for so long has since been reopened. I've already closed that chapter by accepting a fact that even I hate to accept. And someone thinks that I'm just giving up on myself. Do u think I really want to give up on myself? For someone heavy w pride, giving up on myself is like taking a knife and killing myself.
U say that there will always be other solutions and no one is born this way. I've tried and tried but everytime in vain. Each time I try and fall, the fall just gets heavier. Each time I push myself again, the string that supports me from falling gets worn out, thinner and thinner, that when it finally breaks, the pain from falling is so great that I nv want to climb the wall again. And u want me to go through all tat again.
I know it'll benefit me if I ever succeed. But will I ever?? U 're so sure that I will. U think that u know sadness and frustration. Ya, of course u do. So u do know that somethings just aren't within your control right. It depends on external factors. It's the same concept as mine. Some things aren't just within my control. Doesn't mean if I try hard, I'll be rewards with fruits of labour. Also, U said E was tough and u managed to overcome it by pushing and pushing and trying. What if I say that E was like every thing for me?? It's difficulty level and effort MULTIPLY by so many times. Nvm, u say that there's always another way to view things to make it easier. There are other ways, BUT THEY'RE LIMITED. If it was that simple and if fate can be totally controlled by one's own hands, the world wouldn't be such a problematic place with wars going on and disputes persisting for decades.
Maybe u're right and if I trough longer, I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. And I want you to be right and myself to be wrong, cuz the outcome would still benefit me. But I'm still not convinced by ur argument. Knowing that u find me disappointing makes me hate myself more. So I hate u for causing me so much pain. Pain is an understatement. U may find it unfair, then go ahead and be angry w me. But I still hate u.
--Talking to myself--
15:35
What the... excessive baggage weight of 17kg!!
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Dad was really stressed out that 3 hrs before leaving for airport, I've yet to 100% completed my packing. In fact, I was only 90% done. Previously last year, I was 97%. That's bad.. Haha.I needed him to stress me, cuz afterthat, I started moving faster. 1 hr before leaving hse, we were done. BUt alas!!!! 17kg overweight!!! That's alot man!!! 1 huge luggage and 4 boxes can add up to 57kg...
Dinner was bad. I got stressed and as a result, I lost my appetite. There was sharkfin's soup, but i could only down half a bowl. It was that bad. Later on, we decided to take away 2 boxes. My father would be flying to Mel in a wk's time so he'll ferry them for me. $28 taxi fare still much cheaper than $150 excessive baggage fee... After knowing that we do not have to pay the penalty fee and that I'll be able to stack my 2 boxes, 1 huge luggage, 1 cabin bag on a trolley w myself straddled w my handbag and my laptop bag, I felt so much relieved. Afterthat , everything went smoothly. Check-in totalled up to 32kg. Phew...
--Talking to myself--
16:07
Our last day
Monday 18 February 2008
OY took leave specially to spend time w me before I left for Melbourne the next day. I asked him to help me w my packing cuz I realli didn't have the self-discipline to do it. I spent a few hrs 2 nights b4 but i couldn't even achieve 10% cuz I was so distracted by the tv. But I had to switch it on, couldn't control myself.The night b4, my sis helped me to pack. There's just so many things that must go in and I realli didn't know where to start. I just sat there and watch and I was amazed at how fast packing could be. U pick it up, squeeze it in and go on to the next item. Can't go in totally? Squeeze harder. WOw. What I couldn't do in a few hrs, she did it in half an hr!! Plus, packing alone is nv fun.OY did alot too. He helped pack 2 boxes. I did 1 box. So sian man. Every 15min, I would sigh. This's the most borin packin I've done. Really grateful that he took leave to spend time w me. He was willing to go shoppin w me too. WHich I think is v sincere, cuz from wat i know, most guys dread shoppin w their gf.
--Talking to myself--
19:49
Anniversary celebration
Sunday 17 February 2008
OY and I had lunch at Out of the Pan restaurant as Raffles City shoppin mall. I couldn't wait to show him the card I personally made for him. Spent many hrs of that. Not really becuz it was an impressive card, it's just that I lack art genes so it takes much more time and effort. But I'm still v proud of myself. We went to Tamp Mall to collect my altered Levi's and to watch Kungfu DUnk. What a disappointment. I was expecting more bball stunts other than the dunking w style and arrogance. Where's the dribbling man?? Met up w Angeline, Shuli and her Kenneth at Sakae for dinner. Afterthat, we went to Siglap for my craved Gelato ice-cream and a drink at the nearby pub. He had a flaming lamborghini but was perfectly fine. After I downed mine the other time, I became tipsy. Started slurring, images became slightly blurry and the tormenting want to vomit but don't want to vomit feeling. Oh, it was bad...We walked a small distance back to my home. It was a breezy cool yet hot night.
--Talking to myself--
15:35
